a family meal strategy (and eight dinner ideas)
This is part of a series of ideas and frameworks for thinking about food and mealtimes.
A quick disclaimer: although I have a masters’ degree in food studies and have taught kids about food for over a decade, I am not a doctor or registered dietitian, and the ideas below are just for inspiration.
I hope you’ll find something helpful, of course, but YOU are the expert on your family feeding practices.
Have you heard of the Ellyn Satter Division of Responsibility approach for feeding kids? Ellyn Satter is a registered dietitian, psychotherapist, and author, and the Ellyn Satter Institute offers help with eating and feeding.
The Division of Responsibility goes like this:
It’s your job to choose what and when to serve your kids.
It’s your kids’ job to decide whether and how much to eat at mealtimes.
Put another way: “You provide; they decide.”
This means not chiding kids for eating big portions (if you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’m always trying to be mindful of food anxiety that is rooted in a fear of eating too much or gaining weight.)
But it also means not urging kids to “take three more bites,” “just try it,” or “think of how healthy this is for you!”
A lot of families find this approach helpful. Ideally (and I do mean ideally), this takes pressure off of both you and your kids. It can reduce stress during mealtime. It can also help kids develop independence and attune to their bodies while they learn to understand their own palates and hunger cues.
If you’re feeling like every meal is a power struggle, or like you’ve tried cajoling, bribing, and every other tactic in the book to no avail, this approach might make things a bit easier on everyone.
Of course, some families would find this approach more frustrating than practical, for both kids and parents. There is no perfect way to feed your kids or serve dinner — each family has its own needs.
For example, you might not want to allow your kids to eat unlimited amounts of a dish, especially if you’re trying to share among a big household or save enough for leftovers. Or perhaps you have a kid whose hunger cues are diminished because of their medication, or a kid who doesn’t feed herself independently and needs your support. Or maybe your kid gets overwhelmed with too much choice at meal times and eats better when you present him with a plate. Those situations mean you need to make more of the decisions around whether and how much to eat.
Or maybe you repeat this mantra to yourself (“I provide; they decide”) but you’re still anxious about so-called “junk” or “treat” foods, and worry that if you provide fish, green beans, and a cookie for dessert, your child will only eat the cookie, and therefore can’t be trusted to make his own decision. If you find yourself obsessing over how your kid loads up their plate, that doesn’t make it easier on either of you.
These situations all call for different approaches. Again, there’s no one way to feed kids, and what works for some won’t work for all.
At its best, though, incorporating the Division of Responsibility model into your meal times can develop trust. Your kid will learn to trust that you won’t pressure or shame them at mealtimes. You will learn to trust that you don’t need to micromanage each bite for your kid to be nourished. And most importantly, your kid will learn to trust their own hunger and fullness cues and how their body responds to different foods. If you find the dinner table to be increasingly tense and frustrating, it might be worth giving the Division of Responsibility a try.
One way to do this, if you have the capacity, is to serve meals family-style and (whenever possible) deconstructed. That means each person can load up their plate as they wish, and adults can enjoy a variety of well-rounded meals without fretting over each bite kids take.
Here are three tips for serving deconstructed family meals. As always, take what’s useful:
If your kids are old enough to serve themselves: Put everything out on the table (or buffet-style in the kitchen). Allow kids to pick and choose what to put on their plates in the quantities they like, with the reminder that the meal is for everyone and we need to make sure everybody gets enough. If you have plenty for extra servings, remind them that they can start with a small portion and get seconds.
If your kids need you to make their plates: Serve very small portions, especially when introducing new foods, ideally spaced out on their plates a little bit. You can always put more on their plates if they eat what’s there; the idea is to not overwhelm them or waste food. So start with just a bite or two of each component.
Try not to pressure them or make a big deal out of taking bites. It might seem like a great strategy to require “just one bite” or “three more beans” before they leave the table, but this is teaching kids to respond to external pressure, not to develop their own eating skills.
Bonus tip: to reduce dishes, serve the components of each meal in the pots or pans you cooked them in, or serve from the storage containers you’ll use for leftovers.
With this approach in mind, below are some kid-friendly deconstructed meal ideas that might be worth trying! Each has some ideas for protein, carbohydrates, vegetables/fruits, and sauces (to add fat/flavor and make the rest of the meal enticing). Adults can load up on their favorite flavors and kids can pick and choose.
Need more detailed recipes for any of the meal templates below? Just comment below or email me!
Build-Your-Own Family Dinners
Pita bar
Carbohydrate: Pita pockets; potato wedges with a squeeze of lemon
Protein: Grilled chicken; feta cheese; hummus; falafel; roasted chickpeas
Vegetable options: Sliced cucumbers and/or tomatoes; chopped romaine lettuce; olives
Sauce: Tzatziki; tahini sauce; Greek yogurt
Teriyaki-inspired noodle bowl
Carbohydrate: Quick-cooking noodle of choice (udon, soba, rice, etc.)
Protein: Teriyaki roasted chicken (or salmon, or tofu)
Vegetables: Roasted broccoli or sweet potato; sautéed peppers or onions; sautéed carrot coins sliced scallions
Sauce: Teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, or sweet chili sauce
Salmon rice bowl
Carbohydrate: White, brown, or wild rice
Protein: Sesame soy salmon (or chicken, or tofu)
Vegetables: Edamame, grated carrots, sliced avocado, seaweed sheets, chopped scallions or cilantro
Sauce/toppings: Japanese BBQ sauce, spicy mayo, or extra soy glaze; sesame seeds; furikake
Pizza bar
Carbohydrate: White or wheat flatbreads or naan. Or mix it up with bagels or long baguette slices. You can also use pizza dough if you have time to shape and bake it!
Protein: Cooked sausage or vegan sausage; pepperoni or salami slices; shredded chicken; shredded part-skim mozzarella or torn fresh mozzarella; goat cheese
Vegetables: Sautéed mushrooms; bell pepper slices; baby spinach; halved cherry tomatoes; fresh basil…
Sauce: Tomato sauce, ricotta, or olive oil
Big salad bar
Carbohydrate: Hearty croutons, crackers, or bread and butter; cooked grains like quinoa, barley, or rice
Protein: Cooked chickpeas or other beans; grilled or deli turkey or chicken breast slices; roasted or canned tuna or salmon; nuts or seeds like pecans, pepitas, or sunflower seeds; hard boiled egg slices.
Vegetables: Torn lettuce or baby spinach; cooked or raw broccoli or carrots; any leftover roasted veggies; beet slices; cucumber or tomato slices.
Sauce: Your favorite bottled or homemade salad dressings.
Taco bar
Carbohydrate: tortillas or taco shells
Protein: Black or pinto beans; seasoned sautéed ground turkey or beef; shredded chicken; fish sticks; shredded or crumbled cheese.
Vegetables: Avocado; shredded lettuce; roasted cauliflower, zucchini, or summer squash; sautéed mushrooms; pico de gallo…
Sauce: your favorite fresh or jarred salsa; sour cream or Greek yogurt; hot sauce
Caprese pasta
Carbohydrate: Your favorite pasta (add a drizzle of oil or melted butter, if you like!)
Protein: Bite-sized mozzarella balls (or torn or shredded mozzarella). If you want to add more: cooked sausage or shredded rotisserie chicken.
Vegetables: Halved cherry tomatoes; basil; baby spinach
Sauce: Pesto or marinara sauce (or keep it simple with just olive oil)
Baked potato bar
Carbohydrate: Baked sweet or russet potatoes (you can also steam them or microwave them!)
Protein: Greek yogurt; grated cheese; shredded chicken; leftover chili or baked beans; roasted tofu
Vegetables: Steamed broccoli; sliced scallions; roasted red peppers; steamed corn; sautéed spinach
Sauce: Salsa; cheese sauce
Bonus tip: If you haven’t already tried this for very selective eaters, it can be helpful to always provide one food that you know they like on the table (even if it results in a funny combination). For example, having a side of safe, accepted foods like crackers, plain tortillas, or apple slices might reduce anxiety and allow kids to relax and enjoy the meal.